New Jersey Family and Addiction Institute
My WordPress Blog
Quarantine is really starting to drag on. Initially clients and friends were excited about having some time off from work to recharge. They leaned into it and did all those long-delayed tasks around their home. Some started to cook again. Others finally read that book they were meaning to read. People were scared but felt […]
Quarantine is really starting to drag on. Initially clients and friends were excited about having some time off from work to recharge. They leaned into it and did all those long-delayed tasks around their home. Some started to cook again. Others finally read that book they were meaning to read. People were scared but felt relatively content to enjoy the freedom of being in their house.
That enjoyment of making the best of a bad situation ended about six weeks ago. Every day clients and friends share with me how they are starting to lose their minds. The effect of sustained social distancing has really started to take a toll on their emotional and mental health.
Social distancing helps reduce the spread of COVID-19. People who adhere to social distancing reduce the likelihood they will get sick. However, safety comes at a cost; connection to others. We clearly see the effect social distancing is having on mental health. Alcohol sales, domestic violence, and suicide rates have all increased.
Recently I was talking with a colleague about this strange trade-off between physical and mental health. She was expressing frustration at the trade-off. She described it as feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place.
This is a common phrase we use today. Its roots trace back to Greek mythology. Homer penned it in The Odyssey. He used it to describe a situation where Odysseus (the main character) had to choose between two bad choices. The concept was that no matter which choice Odysseus made it was a bad choice.
With the current pandemic a lot of people feel like they are modern day versions of Odysseus:
“I can stay home and be safe but lose my job or I can keep my job but then possibly get sick.”
“I can be responsible and being lonely or be irresponsible and not lonely.”
It seems like no matter what decision people make they are losing. Many clients, friends, and colleagues have shared thoughts like these with me. It gave me pause and I reflected on some of my own thoughts:
“Either I help my parents and potential expose them to the virus or I don’t help them and one of my parents hurts themselves trying to move furniture by themselves.”
“Either I can avoid connecting my friends and staying safe or I spend time with them but potentially get sick.”
Turns out that even lowly therapists like myself can struggle in these times. In response to client needs, and apparently my own, I decided to write about some steps people can take to maintain their mental health during this pandemic.
It’s slightly fatalistic to think there are only two choices in a situation. In reality there are way more options. I found my mind saying I could either isolate and stay safe or see my friends but possibly get exposed.
Those options are at either end of the spectrum. There are many options in between. For instance, yesterday I decided to see two close friends. We sat outside in chairs that were located way more than six feet apart. We talked, laughed, and connected. We avoided all physical contact but had a great time. Then everyone went home.
Anytime that you catch yourself thinking in an all or nothing way take a step back. Speak to yourself in a kind manner. Say to yourself “Hey you have some all or nothing thoughts going on. It happens. Shake it off and remember that there are so many other options.” I have done this with many clients. Without fail they tell me they feel really silly saying it. Then a week later when they come back they tell me how much its helped.
I am a huge proponent of spending time outside. As a researcher I have read numerous studies which talk about the positive effect that sunshine can have on depression. In my work as a therapist I strongly encourage clients to go for walks. Walking triggers the release of endorphins which make us feel good.
I can very easily allow work and the quarantine to keep me indoors for days on end. Early in quarantine I stayed inside for over 48 hours a time. I realized though that this was starting to take an effect on my mind. Every day now I make it a point to go outside. Some days I go for long walks. Other days I just sit outside. The activity you select isn’t important. What is important is that you get outside.
There are countless studies that demonstrate how the positive effect of meditation. From a physical level meditation has proven to be effective in reducing the heart rate and blood pressure. From a mental health perspective meditation is a great tool in dealing with anxiety.
Recently I have talked to a lot of people struggling with anxiety. With everything going on right now it’s not surprising. Meditation can be really helpful in slowing down the mind. Maybe you are imagining the worst case scenario.
“Was that a cough due to allergies or is it the start of the virus?”
“I am going to lose everything.”
Meditation creates a space for you to become an observer of what is going on in your mind. By observing you can start to engage in thought challenging. You can see which of your thoughts are legitimate and which are not really likely.
I have noticed a significant increase in people reaching out for professional help. As an advocate for mental health I am thrilled by this. Everything going on right now can be really scary. Professional help can help you feel supported so that you aren’t completely overwhelmed. If you have any questions reach out.
As a therapist I work with a lot of college students. Some come for depression, others for anxiety. Many report feelings of loneliness. Almost all share that they feel a bit lost about who they are and what they actually want to do. I really enjoy working with my college students. Recently, I have noticed […]
As a therapist I work with a lot of college students. Some come for depression, others for anxiety. Many report feelings of loneliness. Almost all share that they feel a bit lost about who they are and what they actually want to do. I really enjoy working with my college students. Recently, I have noticed a new theme with them; a strong desire to return to school and the fear that it isn’t likely to happen.
In early March I really started to become concerned about the COVID-19 virus. I remember thinking that it was only a matter of time before schools would start to close. One of my Rutgers students contacted me one day and said that Rutgers was closing for several weeks following spring break. Immediately I thought, “Right now the school is only saying they are closing for several weeks but once they stop they aren’t going back.” Sure enough, after several weeks Rutgers announced that the campuses would remain closed for the rest of the semester.
Most of my students were disappointed. Several of them are paying their way through school. The majority of my students value in-person learning. They kept their chins up and soldiered through the rest of the semester. They were propelled by the thought “Well this sucks but we will back on campus in the fall.” The issue now is that that may not be likely.
I fear that we are going to see a domino effect. Throughout the pandemic California has been at the forefront of taking action steps to fight back. California was the first state to shelter-in-place.
Like California, New Jersey and New York have been especially hit hard by the pandemic. Both states have mirrored many of the steps that California has taken. In just the past few days California has announced that fall 2020 classes will only be offered online. Additionally, they advised that none of the campuses will fully re-open in the fall.
With California closing schools for the fall 2020 semester, it seems like it is only a matter of time before New York and New Jersey follow suit. While I don’t anticipate big schools like Rutgers announcing campuses will remain closed for the fall semester anytime soon, I think they eventually will.
Rutgers has already started to take steps in that direction. Several of my students have reported to me that the only classes offered for next semester so far are all online courses. It seems like the writing is on the wall.
This is one of the main questions I have been getting from students recently. The first thing that I remind them of is that the fall semester is still months away. The current environment is very fluid and ever shifting. There is no way to know what things will look like in September right now.
For all of the concerned students I work with we perform a cost-benefit analysis. Is the cost (time and money) worth the benefit of online courses (learning and staying on track with graduation)? We also look at their motives and goals surrounding school.
If their goals are to graduate to get the “piece of paper” which shows that they checked that box, then they might elect to take online courses.
Alternatively, if their goal is to learn and they feel they don’t get the same education from online classes, then we look at taking a semester off. Several students have shared with me that once courses switched to online numerous professors “checked out.” They stopped hosting lectures and students just needed to respond to weekly posts. All learning came to a stop for those who learn best within an interactive or listening approach.
The decision to take a semester off shouldn’t be taken lightly. If you just spend that time playing video games, watching television, or on social media, you made a poor decision. Alternatively, if you spend that time working on yourself, it is time well spent. Below are some ways you can focus on your development.
I have multiple degrees. Between undergrad and grad school I took over 70 courses. I have something like 220 credits. Yet in all honesty I feel that most of what I have learned has come from reading books. I have no set process for picking books to read. The only prerequisite is that the topic sounds interesting. At different points books clarified for me the type of work I wanted to do and who I wanted to be.
If you decide to take the semester off read. Read a lot. Read about whatever interests you. You might discover careers you never thought of. You might realize that careers you thought you would like you actually don’t. Books represent an opportunity to get insight into different career paths. Countless times I have had clients come in in their mid-20s hating their jobs but too scared to start over. I have written about that extensively before. You can access that article here.
We live in a hyper-consumption society today. The messages we receive is to pursue more. More money. More toys. More success. Yet every day I encounter people who achieved “more”. They have everything they set out to get only to then realize it doesn’t mean anything to them.
Most young adults are in pursuit of the golden ring. They reason with themselves saying “Well once I get enough then I can actually think about all that other stuff.” This is completely backwards. College students are at a unique age. They are in the formative years where they still have curiosity and haven’t been tainted by the pursuit of money.
A semester off is a great time to really hone in on what’s important to you and what you want out of life. Get in touch with what’s in your heart. Numerous studies clearly show that money does not correlate to more happiness beyond a certain level. It turns out that that level is much lower than most realize.
One of my favorite ways to engage in self-reflection is journaling. Anytime I journal the first half is usually just a thought dump, a mental de-cluttering process. The next quarter is focused on making sense of what’s going on in my head and in my life. The final section, and the really important one, is focused on how I want to move forward and what is important to me.
Just because you aren’t in crisis doesn’t mean that you couldn’t benefit from help. A number of my clients started seeing me when they were actually in a stable place. They figured that since there weren’t any fires in their lives to be put out that they could jump right into some deep work.
Use this time to invest in yourself. Don’t be afraid to get some therapy and dig really deep into your life. Everyone has issues that could use some work. Everyone has pain in their past and worry about their future. Therapy can help you really clarify what is important to you in your heart. Armed with that knowledge when life returns to normal you can move forward with intent and purpose. Reach out to us here to chat. We are happy to talk with you.
As this pandemic continues there are serious concerns about the effect it will have on kid’s mental health. As a therapist who specializes in issues youths and young adults face, I have seen this impact locally in Morris County with clients and families that I work with. Further contributing to my concern about kids’ mental […]
As this pandemic continues there are serious concerns about the effect it will have on kid’s mental health. As a therapist who specializes in issues youths and young adults face, I have seen this impact locally in Morris County with clients and families that I work with.
Further contributing to my concern about kids’ mental health is early research out of China. Research from the Hubei province shows significant increases in depression and anxiety for kids. For reference the Hubei Province is home to Wuhan which is considered the center of the COVID-19 outbreak. Research shows that approximately 20% of kids are struggling with depression and anxiety.
In response to the pandemic schools in the Hubei province had closed for approximately 3 months. During that time kids stayed home and had little socialization outside of their house.
As a researcher and therapist I was not surprised that kids would experience heightened depression and anxiety when socially isolated. I was surprised though that the higher levels of depression and anxiety continued after the kids returned to school.
New Jersey just cancelled the rest of the school year. With most schools closing in mid to late March and cancelling through the rest of the year that will total about 3 months. This is the same amount of time that schools were closed in China.
There are several reasons that kids in China were experiencing distress. There was the social isolation, total disruption of their lives, financial distress of their parents. They were scared of getting the virus. Many children in the Tri-State area face the same concerns.
Fortunately, there are several things that parents and community members can do here to help kids and their emotional health. The suggestions I outline below are simple changes which can have a positive effect.
Kids, like adults, do better when they have a routine. There is nothing wrong with taking a break from your routine. That’s one of the benefits of vacations. However, now that we are several weeks into the quarantine it’s important to establish routines. Work with your kids to build a schedule which includes time for school, play, and family. Kids do better when they have a routine in place.
Prior to the pandemic I knew that youth and young adults were not good at identifying or sharing their emotions. The pandemic has only made these struggles worse. However, it also provides an opportunity for growth. With families spending more time together than before, parents can model how to talk about feelings to their kids.
Sit with your kids and talk to them. Ask them how they are feeling. If they are scared ask them what they are scared about. Practice active listening. Share with them how you are feeling. Clearly communicate to them that it is okay for them to feel whatever they are feeling. This can also help them beyond the pandemic as they move forward in life.
Prior to the pandemic kids were busier than ever before. They had school, sports, and after-school activities. Such structured schedules make it difficult for kids to be kids. With this unique time and space, we should be encouraging kids to rediscover old hobbies or find new ones. This shouldn’t be a time where kids spend more hours than ever on social media or video games. Hobbies are meant to enrich our life. Help your kids get in touch with theirs.
Sometimes it is difficult to tell the difference between a little emotional dip and when professional help is required. Always err on the side of caution. If you notice that your child has been down or not themselves for a week or longer reach out for help. In some instances, your child will benefit from speaking with a professional and processing their emotions. Read some of the articles on this website or reach out to us directly using the contact now section on the right side of this page to learn more. We are happy to help.
Anxiety rates have skyrocketed since COVID-19 started. Social distancing, meant to slow the spread of the pandemic, has contributed to the spread of isolation and loneliness. People are left to choose between risking infection or declining mental health. Talk about a rock and a hard place. People who already had anxiety are seeing its intensity […]
Anxiety rates have skyrocketed since COVID-19 started. Social distancing, meant to slow the spread of the pandemic, has contributed to the spread of isolation and loneliness. People are left to choose between risking infection or declining mental health. Talk about a rock and a hard place. People who already had anxiety are seeing its intensity increase. Others who never had anxiety before are experiencing it for the first time. This article speaks about anxiety and some tips to deal with it. In response to what I am seeing in my clients, I decided to write an article on anxiety and some tips to deal with it.
A number of my clients keep how they feel secret from the people in their life. I am really lucky in that my clients allow me in. They share with me how they are really feeling. Now some of my clients don’t “let me in” right away. After all they have no idea of who I am. How would you feel about letting someone see those deep dark secrets that you have?
Through consistently meeting with clients and demonstrating that I can handle whatever they have to share I start to build trust. With trust clients start to open up. One of the most common things I hear from clients is that they are embarrassed about how they feel.
Me: Okay so it sounds like you are dealing with some anxiety.
Client (avoiding eye contact): Yeah I guess you could say that.
Me: So what’s going on? I feel a little resistance coming from you in admitting that you are struggling with anxiety.
Client: Well yeah. I don’t want you to think I’m a loser or something. I like coming here and I don’t want you to get the wrong impression.
After having countless discussions like this with clients a central theme started to stand out to me. A lot of people feel ashamed about how they feel. Talk about a double whammy. Not only are they feeling anxiety in their life but on top of that they are feeling ashamed that they have anxiety.
My number one message to anyone who is struggling with anxiety is that you aren’t alone. If you can take only one thing away from this article let it be that if you are struggling with anxiety that does not mean that you are a bad person. It does not mean that you are a weak person. It just means that you are a person struggling with anxiety. Who you are is much more than just a diagnosis.
In light of the current environment I decided to write a post with 3 tips for dealing with anxiety.
I always recommend this for clients to use when they feel the anxiety start to come on. Specifically, I encourage them to practice box breathing.
For some of my clients, struggling to breathe is a very prominent feature of their anxiety. Focusing on deep breathing and the count helps to slow the mind.
A long time ago I read about this concept that it is easier to act your way into new thinking then to think your way into new acting. Based on this one of the things I work on with clients is “leading with the body.”
Many of my clients describe their anxiety as starting in the body. They feel it before they start thinking about it. Once it gains momentum they can start to shut down. Numerous exercises show the positive link between exercise and anxiety.
For some people exercise can work as well as medication in treating anxiety. That’s why exercise is one of my go to recommendations for clients struggling with anxiety. Exercising serves two purposes. It provides an outlet for the anxiety. It’s a way to burn it off. Additionally, exercise triggers the release of endorphins. These are hormones which make you feel good. You may have heard of this referred to as a “runners high” before.
I work on sleep with almost all of my clients. Optimizing sleep and exercise with clients always has a positive effect on their mental health. People struggling with anxiety are not an exception.
Now I can hear you like I hear my clients. You might be thinking, “Andrew my anxiety is preventing me from sleep. I get it that more sleep would help but I can’t do it until I get the anxiety under control.”
I hear you. I understand that anxiety can disrupt sleep. I am referring to factors that you can control. Shut down the electronics an hour before bed. Start to abide by a bedtime. Wake up at the same time every day. For some clients a shower helps mark the transition to bed. For others they like to meditate, journal, or read.
Focusing on the logistics of your sleep routine can help trick your mind into mitigating your anxiety. Even if it does not reduce your anxiety, a good night(s) sleep will do wonders in letting us tackle the underlying anxiety.
Sometimes the tips above can help reduce anxiety. However, in other instances they won’t get rid of the anxiety completely. If you feel that your anxiety is starting to impact the quality of your life, please contact a professional. Feel free to reach out to us by using the contact box on the right side of this screen at the top of this page. We are here to help you address your anxiety and to create a life where your anxiety no longer drives it.
Recently we have seen an influx of clients coming into our Florham Park location seeking counseling to help with career transitions. I attribute this increase to recent talks I have given on professional development. This is an area that I absolutely love. It is also an area that a lot of people need help in. […]
Recently we have seen an influx of clients coming into our Florham Park location seeking counseling to help with career transitions. I attribute this increase to recent talks I have given on professional development. This is an area that I absolutely love. It is also an area that a lot of people need help in. Recent surveys have shown that up to 60% of workers are dissatisfied with their jobs. In this article I am going to go over different reasons people struggle with transition. I am also including dialogues that illustrates these points.
One of the first forms of resistance clients seeking to make a career transition put up is “starting over.” I have had countless clients who hate their job but don’t want to leave because they don’t want to start over.
Me: It seems like you really don’t like your job and that you would like to make a switch.
Client: Yeah I hate my job. I am miserable being there.
Me: That doesn’t sound enjoyable to say the least. So what is stopping you from making a switch?
Client: Well I have been with my company for 5 years. If I leave I will have start over.
Me: That’s right you’ve been there for 5 years. Tell me more about this concept of starting over.
Client: Well people know me at work. I know the company. Since I have been here for 5 years I have moved up. If I go somewhere else then I would lose all the time I spent at my current company.
Me: Ah I see. So you think that leaving will mean that you have to start over in your career.
Client: Yeah
Me: Okay I can work with that. For the jobs you are interviewing for, how do they compare to your current job.
Client: Well one of them would be a lateral move and the other two are actually steps up.
Me: Interesting. So it sounds like that if one of these three hit, then worse case scenario you will be making a lateral move to a company that you are much more excited to work for?
Client: Yeah. That’s actually interesting when you put it that way.
Me: Tell me more.
Client: Well I guess I wouldn’t be starting over. Starting over would mean that I would have to start at the bottom again. But these jobs aren’t at the bottom. In fact two of them would be promotions.
Me: Sure sounds like it. Let me look at this from another angel with you. Remind me of how old you are exactly.
Client. I am 35.
Me: Okay. So you are 35. And when do you plan to retire?
Client: Realistically not before 60.
Me: Hmm so that leaves us with 25 more years of working. Let me ask you this. Is it worth it to stay with your current company for 25 more years?
Client: Hell no. That would be beyond miserable.
Me: It sounds rough.
So this client brings up a very common fear; the fear of having to start over. He feels that he is too far into his career to hit the restart button. By asking about how much longer he plans on working I help him realize that he is settling for an unfulfilling career for the next 25 years. Instead of beating around the bush I bring this right out in the open. It helps re-frame the discussion to “Is this worth suffering with for another 25 years.” Once we start to label the fears and talk about them honestly we start to take the power out of them. This man has so many years left in his career that starting over isn’t a career killer. By talking about it honestly the client is able to see that he still has a long work career ahead of him. It helps the client to give himself permission to explore other opportunities.
My work as a therapist has shown me that what happens in childhood can potentially echo into adulthood. Coming out of grad school I was not surprised to see this occur in personal relationships. However when I started working with clients on their professional lives I was surprised to see those childhood experiences still echoing.
In retrospect it makes sense. I believe life is all about relationships. Who we are and how we act in those relationships is based on previous relationships. Several of my clients seeing me for career transitions really illustrated that point.
Me: So for the past several weeks you have expressed a desire to make a change. You identified what you want to do. You have gone through the interview process. Initially you were really excited as the prospect. Now that you are about to get an offer you are expressing serious reservations. What happened?
Client: Well initially I was so excited. I am really interested in this new job and excited to go in a new direction.
Me: Okay so you still feel good about the new job. What’s causing the friction?
Client: Well I guess I am somewhat scared.
Me: Having fear when making a change is perfectly natural. Are you scared that you won’t be able to do the job?
Client: No I can do the job really well.
Me: Is it the compensation package?
Client: No I’ll actually make more money.
Me: The manager?
Client: No I felt like I really connected with the manager. (Laughing) Besides you have heard plenty from me about how much I dislike my current boss.
Me (smiling): I thought I might have heard you say something along those lines.
Client (Laughing): Yeah I guess I made my feelings about my manager pretty evident in my rants.
Me: Yeah I didn’t have to dig for that. Lay it on me. Straight up what’s tripping you up.
Client: I am scared of being the new kid again.
Me: Oh that bone sounds like its got a lot of meat on it. Give me more.
Client: Well if I go somewhere new then I have to be the new person again. I don’t know anyone there and its tough to start be new again.
Me: Courageous of you to voice that out loud. I noticed that you said “new kid again.” Tell me more.
Client: Well growing up my family moved around a lot and I went to 4 different schools. Every time I went to a new school I had to start over again in making friends.
Me: How did that feel?
Client (looking downward): Lonely.
Me: Ah I see. (Pause): Remember when I said what happened in childhood can echo into adulthood?
Client: Yeah defintetly.
Me: Seems like we might have a bit of that going on here.
Sometimes events or experiences that we have had echo into our present even if they happened a long time ago. This client had a childhood marked with uncertainty and always have to start over. He was slightly bashful about admitting that as an adult he still is scared “to be the new kid.” This is quite common. Many people will stay in jobs, careers, or organizations because at least it is known. It is familiar. Going somewhere else new can evoke the fear of having to start with knowing nobody again. They may find themselves thinking “Well I really don’t like what I do or being here and it kind of sucks but at least it is known.”
Struggle is an inevitable part of life. Adversity is something that society overall tries to avoid today. After all, who wants to struggle. However challenges are actually a real growth opportunity. When we are faced with making difficult decisions such as changing career paths or leaving a job its common to shy away from the unknown. However our experience here as therapists with clients and in our own personal lives is that if we lean into the discomfort when can come out the other side changed. We can grow.
Personally this is career number two for me. I chose my first career when I was a Sophomore in college. Looking back I can see that not only did I not know what career to pick, but I didn’t even know who I was. I was too scare of going with something I didn’t know so I stuck with what I was good at; business. I ended up in the oilfield in a highly rated leadership development rotational program. I was tabbed as a future business leader. I was highly compensated and had a clear career path forward.
I traveled non-stop. One memory clear sticks with me. One day I was on a plane. I was flying from somewhere or to somewhere. I sat on the plane and took a break from my work. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and allowed my mind to clear. A message came through. In that instant I realized that I would never be great at that job because it didn’t fulfill my heart’s purpose.
Now at that time, and even today, I am not a super gushy lead with my heart person. I have always been analytical and always will be. However I started to get in touch with what my heart was saying to me. It was telling me that it was time to leave the known, embrace the unknown, and find my purpose.
So eventually I left. I figured out what I wanted to do, and more importantly, who I wanted to be. I leaned into the unknown and uncertainty. I spent many restless nights wondering if I had made a mistake. However I kept coming back to the belief that life is an adventure and that my job was to find my purpose. After plenty of reflection and research, I came to believe that I have been put on this Earth to connect with other people and help them get in touch with themselves. That is what I do today and I believe I have the best job in the world.
Now I love what I do. However it has not always been sunshine and roses. Even though I love my work there are rough patches. Seeing a family torn apart by addiction is always difficult to witness. Working with clients who are terminally ill is heart-wrenching. Hearing clients discuss traumas they have experienced brings tears to my eyes. However, even in the hard times, I would never choose a different path.
It was really difficult to start over from scratch and be the “new kid.” But it has been worth it. Professionally I can help you get there with your own career. If you have fears or uncertainty please realize that that is very common. Getting through to the other side is worth it. Turns out that sometimes in life the grass is greener.
If you found yourself identifying with the conversations above reach out to us. We have extensive experience with working with clients to help them determine what path they want to pursue moving forward. Pick up the phone or send us an email. We are here to help and are happy to have a free consultation with you. Remember, the grass sometimes is greener. Counseling can help you get there.
I believe I have the best job in the world. I am a therapist based in Florham Park and Montclair. As a therapist I get to connect with people on an individual level. Over a cup of tea and the course of a session I get snapshots of clients’ lives. With time I get to […]
I believe I have the best job in the world. I am a therapist based in Florham Park and Montclair. As a therapist I get to connect with people on an individual level. Over a cup of tea and the course of a session I get snapshots of clients’ lives. With time I get to see people create or recapture lives that appeared beyond their grasp.
In full disclosure though I must admit that not every session goes fantastic. Not every client comes in for their own personal growth and development. Some clients are propelled into therapy to escape from troubles. Maybe it is a spouse who is fed up. Sometimes it could be parents who are threatening to cut off their child. Other times it could be the threat of academic or career destruction. Sometimes when I meet people whose lives are a wreck.
Now I have no issue with clients like that. I am not judging them. I think raging infernos are a great place to start building from. But some of these clients, coming in with destroyed personal and professional relationships, still struggle to open up. Below is a dialogue with a fictitious client which illustrates this.
Me: So what brings you in? How can I help?
Client: Ah I’ve had some minor hiccups at home and at work.
Me: Okay so you got some friction going on both fronts. Flesh it out for me. Zoom in to the 30,000 foot view.
Client: I really don’t like my boss and my wife is a little annoyed with me.
So I am sitting there with a client who appears relatively calm, cool, and collected. I find myself thinking, “Well this guy is presenting as a 3 on the scale to 10 of infernos. We’ll do some minor cleaning up, give him a little booster shot, and get him back into the game.”
Except I got collateral information from the client’s wife. Turns out the client is on the verge of losing his job for getting into serious and public verbal altercations with his boss. On the home front the wife is packing his bags and getting ready to call the locksmith.
Me: You know I spoke with your wife. She is giving a slightly different picture. Something about some altercations with your boss.
Client: Yeah I guess so. But it isn’t that bad. We are buddies and he wouldn’t do anything.
Me: Strange. I was under the impression that you received your last written warning. Next stop is termination.
Client: Hmm you got me there.
After countless interactions like this a central question started to formulate in my mind. “Why are people so reluctant to share the WHOLE truth?”
With this question in mind I went directly to the source; my clients. Whenever I would become aware that one of them was holding something back I would ask them why.
Me: When I inquired about how your weekend went you said it was pretty good.
Client: Yeah that’s right pretty normal weekend I guess.
Me: Interesting. Did you crash your car this weekend? And were you drinking at the time?
Client: It wasn’t terrible but I did crash my car. I am okay.
Me: I am glad that you are okay. Cars can be repaired much easier than people. I have to ask. Why did you not share that with me before I asked about it?
Client: I guess I was embarrassed about it.
This exchange is very common. As clients start to value our relationship they are sometimes embarrassed when they “mess-up”. Every time this happens is an opportunity for the therapeutic relationship to be strengthened. This is the first of a series of articles on why clients struggle to ask for help. Please tune back in for part 2 in the near future. If you yourself are struggling to ask for help in a certain area in your life, please do not hesitate to contact us.
This is part 2 of the series on “Finding a Career not a Job”. Part one can be read here. Seek Out Others Who Already do What you are Interested in After my reading identified several jobs I might be interested in I moved onto the next step. I sought out people who were already […]
This is part 2 of the series on “Finding a Career not a Job”. Part one can be read here.
Seek Out Others Who Already do What you are Interested in
After my reading identified several jobs I might be interested in I moved onto the next step. I sought out people who were already doing what I was interested in. Reaching out to others taught me two important lessons.
When I met with people I was engaged and actively listening. I asked clarifying questions and accessed my ignorance. I readily admitted that I didn’t know what I didn’t know. I let them know that I highly valued their time. Meetings that were scheduled for fifteen minutes inevitably went over an hour.
Once you identify a job(s) that you are interested in seek out people who already do it. Ask them to share their experience with you. Be open and engaging. And always thank them for their time and consideration.
Begin with the End in Mind
One of the most influential books I ever read was The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. He was an acclaimed leadership and professional development specialists. Covey has sold millions of copies of his books worldwide. In this book one habit Covey discussed was beginning with the end in mind. Basically identify where you want to end before you even begin.
My work with clients is focused on building roadmaps. We identify where they are and where they want to be. Once we have those two points we can figure out how to get there. Sometimes clients will say “I want a more fulfilling career.” That’s great but unless we know what fulfills them how could we ever figure out how to get there.
Be Courageous
Unfortunately, many people will not have fulfilling careers for one simple reason; they aren’t courageous enough for it. The old adage says “if it was easy everyone would do it.” Most people get a job and settle for a low-level suck. They rationalize staying in their job by telling themselves “Well I don’t hate my job that much.” This sentiment is evident in the fact that one out of two Americans are unhappy in their jobs.
Change can be scary. Fear of the unknown for some is much more powerful than the fear of the known. “Well I don’t like my job but at least I know it. If I go somewhere else, I’ll need to start over again and I won’t know anyone.” I have encountered rationalizations like this throughout my work with clients. This mentality keeps them stuck.
When working with clients who are trying to make a career transition our work focuses on stoking the sparks of courage into action. It is not easy. If it was everyone would do it. But for the few that do it, it is completely worth it.
Create a Game Plan
Once we know the why, the what, and have the courage, we work on figuring out the how. I encourage my clients to move forward with intent and purpose. Sometimes I have to rein them in from quitting their jobs the next day to pursue a career in basket weaving.
We test out their ideas and start to craft a transition plan. Making the decision to make a change can bring a sense of relief. For some clients this can lull them into a false sense of happiness. There is power to the thought that “Well I shouldn’t get mad about my job because I am going to leave anyway.” We want to keep the momentum going through and follow decision with action.
We do a full financial analysis. In it we cover several areas:
Now I am not a financial professional. I have always loved finance and read about it extensively. These questions are just meant to help clients get a sense of their financial position. We want to minimize financial distress when they are already experiencing stress from making a change.
We also cover a variety of questions to help flesh out the plan:
If you were going to do it, how would you do it?
This is the final step in the process for my clients. At this point we have answered all the questions. We have laid the groundwork. All that is left to do is do. This is where I ask clients, “If you were going to do it, how would you do it?”
This questions seems counterintuitive. They have come to me to make a change. The reason that I ask this though is because in responding clients inevitably summarize the plan we have come up with. Articulating it further strengthens their resolve.
My professional experience has shown me that making changes is not always easy. My personal experience has shown me that anything worth having is worth working for. I consider myself incredibly lucky to get to work with clients in this capacity.
People don’t make changes because they think it is too hard. I assure you that working jobs and careers not aligned with your true calling is much harder. Mark Twain talked about two days with the focus on “the day you find out why.” Please focus on the why and then act. If you need help please do not hesitate to contact me.
Finding a Career Not a Job I have noticed a recent uptick in the number of clients who come to me with employment concerns. I attribute this to my guest lecturing and my background. Every semester I lecture at Rutgers University to approximately 200 students on career management. Several of the attendees and their friends […]
I have noticed a recent uptick in the number of clients who come to me with employment concerns. I attribute this to my guest lecturing and my background. Every semester I lecture at Rutgers University to approximately 200 students on career management. Several of the attendees and their friends have come to see me individually following these lectures about concerns regarding their own careers. With so many clients approaching me recently with concerns regarding their jobs/careers I decided to write a series of articles on this topic. This is part 1 of 2 on finding a career. 
Professionally I have had a winding career path. I started my career working in the oilfield. After 18 months I realized that the only thing impacted by my work was my bank account. It didn’t bring me any sense of personal fulfillment. Eventually I left and pursued a different path; connecting with individuals.
I started in a psychiatric hospital, transitioned to clinical trials and then moved onto project management. Still those did not speak to me. Something was still missing. I kept searching. Eventually I started to work with people therapeutically. All of a sudden I found what I was looking for. Connection, impact, meaning. Ever since then my professional life has centered on therapy. Now I just do it in four different capacities. I am a therapist, writer, public speaker, and analyst.
Mark Twain said “The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.” The work I do with clients is focused on finding out why. I believe that we are all born with innate gifts. We are predisposed to success in certain jobs, careers, and roles.
A recent study found that up to 53% of Americans are currently unhappy at work. Think about that for a minute. One out of every two workers does not like their job. That means that a lot of workers haven’t figured out their why. They are unhappy because they are in jobs that aren’t aligned with their real purpose.
Unemployment is at a record low. For most people, getting a job is just a matter of time. Picking the right job or career is much more difficult. Having a job is like fool’s gold for some. It is shiny and pretty but has no real value. Finding your calling is much more impactful.
Once clients realize the importance of the “why” we begin to work on figuring it out.
Two of my loves in life are movies and books. One of my all-time favorite movies is Goodwill Hunting. Matt Damon plays Will Hunting. Will is a brilliant young adult from a troubled background with a photographic memory. While in a bar he gets into a verbal altercation with a condescending Harvard student. Matt Damon ends the conversation with the man by saying, “You dropped a $150,000 on an education you could have gotten for a dollar fifty in late fees from the public library.”
I currently hold a Bachelor’s degree and two Master’s degrees. Over the course of my academic career I have taken approximately 70 courses. In spite of all my “education” I feel that I have learned more from reading books than I ever did from school. I typically read one book a week mostly non-fiction. One week I might read a book on immigrants from Somalia and then the next week read a book genetics. However, my favorite subjects are leadership and career development.
Every time I read I get to look at the world through a different perspective. Reading gives me an in-depth look at what other jobs and careers look like. I read extensively about the four jobs I currently have before I had them. When I read about those various jobs I felt really intrigued. I thought to myself “Wow these jobs seem really interesting. I think I would like them.”
This is part 1 of 2 on articles for finding a career not a job. Please tune back in for part 2 coming soon. Here at the New Jersey Family and Addiction Institute we work extensively with clients who are searching for a career or making a career transition. If we can be of any assistance please do not hesitate to contact us.
“I think if I couldn’t ‘vape’ I might go back to smoking.” That and a puff of ‘vape juice’ was my friend’s response when I asked her what her stance was on the recent e-cigarette debates. *Kiara, who was previously a devoted cigarette smoker, has gone from 12 milligrams of nicotine, down to 3 milligrams, and […]
“I think if I couldn’t ‘vape’ I might go back to smoking.” That and a puff of ‘vape juice’ was my friend’s response when I asked her what her stance was on the recent e-cigarette debates. *Kiara, who was previously a devoted cigarette smoker, has gone from 12 milligrams of nicotine, down to 3 milligrams, and hopes to gradually stop vaping entirely. While vaping may be an appealing harm reduction or smoking cessation tool for Kiara, it’s an immensely unknown product. One study found e-cigarettes to be significantly more effective than nicotine replacement therapy (such as the nicotine gum) as a smoking cessation tool. Eighteen percent of the participants vaping quit smoking compared to the 10 percent of those using nicotine replacement therapy. Notably, 80 percent of the successful e-cigarette participants were still reliant on vaping a year later, contrasted to 9 percent of the other group’s reliance on their product. This suggests that knowledge of potential harm is imperative to approximately 30.4 percent using e-cigarettes as a smoking alternative ability to make a well-informed decision.
As of September 19, 2019, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is investigating 380 cases of lung disease, and six deaths, purportedly caused by vaping. The CDC has not yet identified the precise cause, such as specific device, or liquid. While extremely unfortunate, for those using e-cigarettes to stop smoking cigarettes, this number isn’t as frightening as the 480,000 yearly U.S deaths caused by smoking. So, simply from a harm reduction tool perspective and given the absence of longitudinal data, vaping appears to be very much a lesser of two evils. The best choice? Perhaps not. But an effective harm reduction tool? Given the information we have now, it would seem so.
Perhaps the real fear then is surrounding the constantly increasing number of teens vaping. Approximately 1 in 5 high school students and 1 in 20 middle school students reported vaping in the past 30 days in 2018. After seeing a decline in recent years, the CDC found that in 2018, nearly 2 of every 25 high school students, and 1 in 50 middle school students reported having smoked a cigarette in the past 30 days. That is 20.8 percent of high school students reporting e-cigarette use, related to the 8.1 percent reporting cigarette use. There are those who reason that one cannot definitively say that the teenagers who are vaping wouldn’t have otherwise smoked or are using it to stop smoking. Research says otherwise. There have been numerous studies that looked for a link between personality and predispositions to smoking. One study found that teenagers who were not close to their parents and had a more rebellious personality were more likely to smoke. However, attempts to find the same link between vaping and rebelliousness have come up short, and in fact, many of these no-risk taker/low risk of smoking teens began smoking after vaping for a time.
In a 2015 interview with the founders of Juul, a popular e-cigarette company, Ari Atkins, Juul Research and Development Engineer, said “We don’t think a lot about addiction here because we’re not trying to design a cessation product at all… anything about health is not on our mind.” The appeal to teenagers is three-fold, appealing flavors and the absence of the offensive scent, accessibility for all ages, and the marketing tactics, that can all be said to be targeting teenagers and related to lacking federal oversight.
Kiara took personal offense to the heightened stigma of vaping. She described the taste and smell as a pivotal part of her being able to stop smoking, “I understand [that if flavors are banned] it would taste like nicotine, so like cigarettes. I don’t know what I would do, as a huge part of vaping is it releases the social stigma of smelling like cigarettes, and why make the taste undesirable to me as a consumer?” The problem is, the flavor and smell component are a big appeal to teenagers as well and send the message of lacking harm and being young and fun. I don’t see the taste as being imperative to the appeal for adult smokers, but I do understand the smell component. Perhaps there is a way to keep the taste unflavored, but make the smell perfumed.
Kiara isn’t looking to make vaping a free for all and keep the current climate. She noted that she is all about regulation. In 2016, a professor at the University of California took offense to the apparent age requirements, one aspect of the lacking regulatory requisites, as accessibility seemed too easy for the presumed regulations. To test this, he had several teenagers- ages 16 and 17- try and purchase e-liquid from 120 U.S online vape shops. They used their real names, their debit cards, but faked their birthdate to make them appear above 21 years old. However, if they were asked to verify their ages, they gave their real driver’s licenses. A related study was done in North Carolina, a state that prohibits the sale of e-cigs to minors and requires verification of age. The study found that of the 98 attempted online e-cigarette purchases, 75 were delivered. A few of the online stores stated that verification of age would be required upon delivery, but they did not follow through. Granted, there have been some improvements since 2016, but the regulations on vape product sales to minors need to be far more restrictive, with real consequence.
The North Carolina study above also noted that while these stores claimed not to sell to minors, and not to seek out minors as consumers, some of the orders arrived with candy and little toys. This is clever marketing that sends a very strong subliminal message of playfulness and matches Ari Atkin’s sentiments. Since the popularization of vaping, there have been many advertisements and marketing tactics that seem to target teenagers and suggest harmlessness. In response to a 2014 Blu (a popular e-cigarette company) ad in Sports Illustrated critics said, “Using sex to sell cigarettes is nothing new… and e-cigarettes are pushing the envelope because they’re unregulated.” Blu (a company who has since removed theirs), and other companies used gimmicky cartoons, and advertisements, making more accountability necessary here as well.
So, with improved flavor, age, and overall marketing regulations we may be able to decrease the number of new teenage users, and truly make this about harm reduction and cessation than it previously was. But, how do we account for the many teenagers already addicted? Banning attractive flavors may help prevent further engagement and addiction, but retroactively will it do enough to the teenagers already drawn in, perhaps this should be a matter of focus as well?
The start of a new school year can produce a number of emotions for students and their families. Students can feel excited to see all of their friends again and eager for the fun that follows. They can be nervous about the academics. They might experience anxiety about being back in school. Regardless of the […]
The start of a new school year can produce a number of emotions for students and their families. Students can feel excited to see all of their friends again and eager for the fun that follows. They can be nervous about the academics. They might experience anxiety about being back in school. Regardless of the emotions that they feel, our youth need to be supported at the transition back to school. This article will discuss strategies families can employ to help smooth out the transition process.
One of the most important things to overall mental health and academic performance is having a standard sleep routine. Lack of sleep is a predisposition to negative emotions. What is a normal level of anxiety about a test can become paralyzing with diminished sleep. Establishing a sleep routine is paramount for optimal performance.
Experts recommend removing televisions from youth bedrooms. An estimated 60-70% of U.S. youth have televisions in their bedrooms. Numerous studies show that this adversely impacts sleep. Getting televisions out of the bedroom is a great first step. However more steps need to follow. Smartphones and laptops also need to be removed from bedrooms.
Ask your children what they are interested in. Find activities aligned with their interests. Try new things to see what sticks. Extracurricular involvement can provide an enriching experience. It can also provide additional structure to kids schedules. It is not ideal for children to come home to an empty house with nothing to do after the school day ends. Extracurricular activities can serve as a way for children to stay busy and active.
Do not believe that your kids are doing well based on what they are posting on social media. Check in with your children and really gauge how they are doing. The start of the school year can be marked with anxiety, depression, loneliness, and bullying. Have dinner with them every week and pay attention to the answers your children provide. Talk to the parents of your children’s friends.
Establish rules regarding social media and technology use in the household and stand by them. The average teenager spends between seven to nine hours per day on screens for entertainment purposes (social media, video games, television). Some good areas for rules include:
Talk to the parents of your children’s friends. Share with them your household rules and the rationale behind them. It is difficult to be “the only kid” in school who is not allowed to have an electronic device in their bedroom. Try to create a community based on similar rules so that your children aren’t the only ones with them.
If you have concerns about your child’s emotional health please do not hesitate to seek professional help. Reach out to us here at NJFAI with any questions or concerns that you have. Watch your children and trust your gut if you have concerns.
